Writing glitch #20

Today’s glitch:

glitch22

Talk about awkward! *shakes head* You could cut several of those words and make the sentence a lot tighter and clearer. Also, why would anyone put a comma there?

Neighbors and locals could be seen to be visibly upset and comforting each other at the scene.

That corrects the punctuation. Just for the hell of it, let’s see if we can do something about the words.

Neighbors and locals, visibly upset, comforted each other at the scene.

I put the comma back and gave it a friend. It’s there for a reason now. You could remove visibly upset, but then you’d need to remove the commas, too.

 

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About Thomas Weaver

I’m a writer and editor who got into professional editing almost by accident years ago when a friend from university needed someone to copyedit his screenplay about giant stompy robots (mecha). Having discovered that I greatly enjoy this kind of work, I’ve been putting my uncanny knack for grammar and punctuation, along with an eclectic mental collection of facts, to good use ever since as a Wielder of the Red Pen of Doom. I'm physically disabled, and for the past several years, I’ve lived with my smugly good-looking twin Paul, who writes military science fiction and refuses to talk about his military service because he can’t. Sometimes Paul and I collaborate on stories, and sometimes I just edit whatever he writes. It's worked out rather well so far. My list of non-writing-related jobs from the past includes librarian, art model, high school teacher, science lab gofer… Although I have no spouse or offspring to tell you about, I do have six cats. (The preferred term is "Insane Cat Gentleman.") I currently spend my time blogging, reading, editing, and fending off cats who like my desk better than my twin’s.
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