Writing Glitch #145

Today’s glitch:

glitch150

The first sentence is awkward. I’d recommend changing the beginning to Before I could ask for it, because I assume (perhaps wrongly, but I do have the character flaw of being a bit rational at times) the narrating character wouldn’t ask for the sword after it was handed to him/her.

The comma after said needs to go away. However, this is an example of the right way to write a character speaking and smiling. She says her dialogue with a smile; she does not smile her dialogue.

Before I could ask for it, she handed me my sword. “Be careful out there,” she said with a frightened little smile.

 

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About Thomas Weaver

I’m a writer and editor who got into professional editing almost by accident years ago when a friend from university needed someone to copyedit his screenplay about giant stompy robots (mecha). Having discovered that I greatly enjoy this kind of work, I’ve been putting my uncanny knack for grammar and punctuation, along with an eclectic mental collection of facts, to good use ever since as a Wielder of the Red Pen of Doom. I'm physically disabled, and for the past several years, I’ve lived with my smugly good-looking twin Paul, who writes military science fiction and refuses to talk about his military service because he can’t. Sometimes Paul and I collaborate on stories, and sometimes I just edit whatever he writes. It's worked out rather well so far. My list of non-writing-related jobs from the past includes librarian, art model, high school teacher, science lab gofer… Although I have no spouse or offspring to tell you about, I do have six cats. (The preferred term is "Insane Cat Gentleman.") I currently spend my time blogging, reading, editing, and fending off cats who like my desk better than my twin’s.
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