Writing Glitch #184

Oh, well, you get one today after all. 🙂

glitch199

Aside from a comma splice, the problems with this example are about awkward phrasing and unnecessary words: not incorrect, but not good writing, either.

You manage…? That sounds as if the POV character was trying to make this happen, whereas trapped says just the opposite. I think manage to needs to go.

I’d change with rides that to where the rides. I’d also delete to do so.

You find yourself trapped in an amusement park where the rides are supernatural and twisted far from their originals. The only way to escape is to complete seven rides. If you fail, you will be trapped forever.

(Today, WordPress’ spell check says comma is not a real word. With “help” like this, it’s no wonder young people today aren’t learning the mechanics of writing.)

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About Thomas Weaver

I’m a writer and editor who got into professional editing almost by accident years ago when a friend from university needed someone to copyedit his screenplay about giant stompy robots (mecha). Having discovered that I greatly enjoy this kind of work, I’ve been putting my uncanny knack for grammar and punctuation, along with an eclectic mental collection of facts, to good use ever since as a Wielder of the Red Pen of Doom. I'm physically disabled, and for the past several years, I’ve lived with my smugly good-looking twin Paul, who writes military science fiction and refuses to talk about his military service because he can’t. Sometimes Paul and I collaborate on stories, and sometimes I just edit whatever he writes. It's worked out rather well so far. My list of non-writing-related jobs from the past includes librarian, art model, high school teacher, science lab gofer… Although I have no spouse or offspring to tell you about, I do have six cats. (The preferred term is "Insane Cat Gentleman.") I currently spend my time blogging, reading, editing, and fending off cats who like my desk better than my twin’s.
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