Writing Glitch #433

Have another:

Don’t capitalize the before Twin Dreamers.

Are there other sets of Twin Dreamers who don’t have to stay asleep? If not, add a comma before who.

Hyphenate still-slumbering

Add a comma before claiming. (If you leave out that comma, you’re saying the sister is the one making the claim.)

There’s a typo in the next-to-last line. Change sill to will.

Get rid of the quotation marks. (They’re in a weird place anyway. Why not include will inside the quotes, if you absolutely insist on having them?)

You are a guardian of the Twin Dreamers, who must stay asleep for eternity in order for the universe to remain stable. One day, one of them wakes up and flees with his still-slumbering sister, claiming he will not be a prisoner anymore.

Consider rewording the end of the first sentence: to maintain the stability of the universe. I also think claiming ought to be replaced with declaring.

 

 

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About Thomas Weaver

I’m a writer and editor who got into professional editing almost by accident years ago when a friend from university needed someone to copyedit his screenplay about giant stompy robots (mecha). Having discovered that I greatly enjoy this kind of work, I’ve been putting my uncanny knack for grammar and punctuation, along with an eclectic mental collection of facts, to good use ever since as a Wielder of the Red Pen of Doom. I'm physically disabled, and for the past several years, I’ve lived with my smugly good-looking twin Paul, who writes military science fiction and refuses to talk about his military service because he can’t. Sometimes Paul and I collaborate on stories, and sometimes I just edit whatever he writes. It's worked out rather well so far. My list of non-writing-related jobs from the past includes librarian, art model, high school teacher, science lab gofer… Although I have no spouse or offspring to tell you about, I do have six cats. (The preferred term is "Insane Cat Gentleman.") I currently spend my time blogging, reading, editing, and fending off cats who like my desk better than my twin’s.
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