Writing Glitch #740

Today’s second glitch:

Add a comma after the introductory phrase in the first sentence. I recommend changing the introductory phrase to After you die.

Change class room to classroom.

(Seriously, I want to know how this guy can wear a jacket. Is the jacket made to fit around the wings? How does he get it on and off? Are his wings insubstantial-ish and just emerge as if his clothing wasn’t there, as seems to be common in popular screen fiction such as Supernatural? Why do so many writers apparently not think about this sort of thing when creating winged characters? … Asking for a friend. 🙂 )

I’d change with a tweed jacket and glasses to in a tweed jacket and glasses; otherwise it sounds sort of as if he’s accompanied by them instead of wearing them.

Begin a new paragraph with the dialogue, or at the very least, change that colon to a period. (Dialogue in normal prose should not be introduced with a colon. That’s the correct format only for stage/screen plays, where the character’s name, followed by a colon, comes before what they say.) Or add and says (followed by a comma!) before the dialogue instead (in which case you don’t need to start a new paragraph).

Change earthly to Earthly.

After you die, you wake up in a classroom. A winged man in a tweed jacket and glasses enters the room with a stack of papers and says, “I hope you’ve all had enough Earthly experience to prepare yourselves for the Eternal Destination final exam.”

or 

After you die, you wake up in a classroom. A winged man in a tweed jacket and glasses enters the room with a stack of papers.

“I hope you’ve all had enough Earthly experience to prepare yourselves for the Eternal Destination final exam.”

 

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About Thomas Weaver

I’m a writer and editor who got into professional editing almost by accident years ago when a friend from university needed someone to copyedit his screenplay about giant stompy robots (mecha). Having discovered that I greatly enjoy this kind of work, I’ve been putting my uncanny knack for grammar and punctuation, along with an eclectic mental collection of facts, to good use ever since as a Wielder of the Red Pen of Doom. I'm physically disabled, and for the past several years, I’ve lived with my smugly good-looking twin Paul, who writes military science fiction and refuses to talk about his military service because he can’t. Sometimes Paul and I collaborate on stories, and sometimes I just edit whatever he writes. It's worked out rather well so far. My list of non-writing-related jobs from the past includes librarian, art model, high school teacher, science lab gofer… Although I have no spouse or offspring to tell you about, I do have six cats. (The preferred term is "Insane Cat Gentleman.") I currently spend my time blogging, reading, editing, and fending off cats who like my desk better than my twin’s.
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