Writing Glitch 979

Today’s glitch:

The first sentence is incomplete. You may or may not want to leave it that way, depending on the desired effect.

(I think there should be an article — a or the — before fire, but again, I don’t know what the writer was trying to do with that fragment, so maybe it’s appropriate as it is.)

The second sentence needs a comma after grew.

I recommend changing was creeping to crept, both because it’s less likely to make idjits who don’t know a damn thing about actual grammar shout, “Passive voice! Baaaaaaad!” at you and because it makes the verb forms in the sentence match more closely.

Add a comma after calming.

Delete the comma after safe. (If you want a dramatic pause there, use an ellipsis instead.)

Inside a deep cave, close to fire, the flames licking her hands as she warmed them. Outside a storm slowly grew, and thunder crept closer. The sound of the constant rain was strangely calming, and she was safe… for now.

If you don’t want an incomplete sentence at the beginning, try this: Inside a deep cave, she sat close to a fire, the flames licking her hands as she warmed them.

 

 

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About Thomas Weaver

For several years, I’ve been putting my uncanny knack for grammar and punctuation, along with an eclectic mental collection of facts, to good use as a Wielder of the Red Pen of Doom (editor). I'm physically disabled, and I currently live with my smugly good-looking twin Paul, who writes military science fiction and refuses to talk about his military service because he can’t. Sometimes Paul and I collaborate on stories, and sometimes I just edit whatever he writes. It's worked out rather well so far. My list of non-writing-related jobs from the past includes librarian, art model, high school teacher, science lab gofer… Although I have no spouse or offspring to tell you about, I do have six cats. (The preferred term is "Insane Cat Gentleman.") I currently spend my time blogging, reading, editing, and fending off cats who like my desk better than my twin’s.
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