Is there anyone reading this blog post who doesn’t know that your is a possessive pronoun and not a contraction of you are? Yeah, that’s what I thought…
“Congratulations on existing in this room.” Wow. Just… wow. Congratulations on existing... That kinda takes the whole “trophy for breathing” thing to a new low, doesn’t it? Also, if you feel you must congratulate someone for existing, please note that it’s for existing, not on existing. (It would have made sense to write, “Congratulations for being in this room,” but writers these days are told not to ever use any form of be, ’cause be is supposedly always passive voice and thus Bad Writing, so they sometimes default to exist as a “better” verb. And yes, writers these days are told is passive voice, but you gotta admit that adding by zombies onto the end of that wouldn’t be inappropriate. 🙂 ) I’m going to replace the original verb with one that’s neither passive nor weird.
Begin a new paragraph whenever a new speaker is introduced, etc. (Because “you” aren’t the first speaker in the example, the dialogue should be in a different paragraph from the zap, etc.)
Were suppose is wrong; change it to were supposed. Add a comma after more.
Walkie-talkie is misspelled in the example. Also note that it should be hyphenated.
Ground means ground. If you’re in a spaceship, in space, you’re not on the ground. You may, however, be on the floor/deck of the spaceship. (Which you use may depend on what the viewpoint character would call it.)
The first word of a sentence should always be capitalized.
*sigh* Ready to give up yet? I am…
Corrected (more or less) version:
A zap, a flash, and you’re in a circular room with several other people.
“Congratulations for reaching this room. There were supposed to be more of you, but they seem to be outside the ship,” says a voice coming from a small toy walkie-talkie on the floor. “Your species is on the brink of space colonization, and we thought you’d all appreciate a little bit of a genetic edge.”
The room darkens around you, and a hologram of the solar system pops up in the middle.
“Choose a planet or natural satellite, and you’ll gain the ability to survive its hazards with ease. This will change your appearance, and your life expectancy is tied to your choice. Also, you can swim in space now.”