Today’s second glitch:
Add a double quotation mark before the first line of dialogue.
Do not end a sentence with a question mark if it is not a question. Stating that you wonder something or do not understand something is not asking a question. Change the question mark after mine to a period.
Also capitalize Clan in this context (part of a proper name).
The first sentence of the second paragraph sounds like the writer is trying too hard. I don’t know how to fix it, however, other than strongly recommending that by his delusional statement be either deleted or replaced with something else. I’m not sure intrigued is the right word, either, but who knows what vocabulary contortions lurk in the minds and Wattpad postings of the same people who have declared that literally means not literally?
It is normal to italicize direct internal dialogue (character’s exact thoughts) when the narration is not in first person. (You may also italicize such in first-person narration.) Italicize A thousand years old, my ass, and don’t forget to add the comma after old. Also, change the comma after ass to a period and capitalize Did (because that sentence is not the character’s exact thoughts, as made clear by the switch back to third person). If you want that last bit to be direct thoughts, too, make it first person: Does he think I was born yesterday?
The next paragraph… First of all, it doesn’t need to be a new paragraph, because the speaker here is the same person whose thoughts we get in the previous paragraph. Second, the verb in the dialogue tag is flat-out wrong. I understand what the writer was trying to say, but spared isn’t the correct word. I’m certain the writer meant sparred (after all, it’s on the list of “substitutes for said” *sigh*), if only because spared — past tense of spare — is not possible as a way of speaking. Verbal sparring, on the other hand, happens all the time (more than necessary, in the sort of story frequently written by newbie authors who think “snappy” dialogue is a valid substitute for actual plot and characterization). Under any circumstances, when the dialogue tag comes before the dialogue, you must have a comma after the tag to separate it from the dialogue, so change the period after sparred to a comma.
Personally, I sort of feel that whoever handed this writer a list of “substitutes for said” should be hit upside the head with a very large and possibly just metaphorical cyborg fish. No one says anything in this example; they spar, they tease, but they never let what they say, or the context in which they say it, show how they’re saying it. This, friends, is the unfortunate logical endpoint of telling all writers that adverbs and adjectives are bad, that Real Writers use only nouns and (zingy — always zingy and exciting) verbs to get their point across.
When used to describe a person according to hair color, redhead is one word.
“What I can’t figure out is why you would agree to go with this Grey kid willingly to Clan Ankh, when you are so obviously meant to be mine.”
Lexy was intrigued. A thousand years old, my ass. Did he think she was born yesterday? She sparred, “What would make you think I was meant to be yours?”
Tiberius teased, “You are a certifiably insane redhead, and that’s kind of my thing.”