Don’t capitalize the before Twin Dreamers.
Are there other sets of Twin Dreamers who don’t have to stay asleep? If not, add a comma before who.
Add a comma before claiming. (If you leave out that comma, you’re saying the sister is the one making the claim.)
There’s a typo in the next-to-last line. Change sill to will.
Get rid of the quotation marks. (They’re in a weird place anyway. Why not include will inside the quotes, if you absolutely insist on having them?)
You are a guardian of the Twin Dreamers, who must stay asleep for eternity in order for the universe to remain stable. One day, one of them wakes up and flees with his still-slumbering sister, claiming he will not be a prisoner anymore.
Consider rewording the end of the first sentence: to maintain the stability of the universe. I also think claiming ought to be replaced with declaring.
Don’t capitalize grandmother unless it’s being used as a proper name: “This is my grandmother; I call her Grandmother.”
Add a comma after router (long introductory phrase).
The second sentence needs a slight adjustment so it doesn’t imply that the unplugging, the yelling, and the disappearing all happen at the same time. Adding then before promptly disappears will make the sequence of events clear.
Replace the ellipsis with a period, because an abrupt disappearance of a grandmother isn’t the sort of situation you’d describe with a trailing-off at the end.
Your grandmother asks you to fix the internet. As you pull out the plug for the router, she yells, “Not that one!” and then promptly disappears.
Today’s second glitch:
There’s only one error in this example. Can you spot it?
“The hairstyle I woke up with this morning would have kicked arse in the eighties.”
Even if you insist on using the numerals (perhaps because you’re a devout follower of the Associated Press Stylebook and use it even when you’re writing fiction, where the oft-ignored-anyway “rules” of journalistic writing aren’t suitable), do not use an apostrophe between the decade number and the s: 80s, not 80’s.
(WordPress’ spelling checker doesn’t like Stylebook as one word. I’m not fond of it, either, but since that is how the title of the Associated Press style guide is spelled, it’s correct there even if not correct elsewhere.)
Today’s (Saturday’s) first glitch:
Add a comma after arrived (compound sentence).
Change the period after Jerry to a comma, and un-capitalize the.
The apocalypse has arrived, and the world’s only hope is Jerry, the cashier at the local comic book shop.
Add a comma after highway (long introductory phrase).
Add a comma after T-intersection (compound sentence).
The verbs are messed up, and you have two options for how to fix them. You can change asked to ask, so everything in this example is in present tense, or you can leave asked alone but change knows to knew and I’m to I was, indicating the questioning happened in the past in relation to the rest of the narration (but leave verbs such as meets and runs intact, since the old dirt lane is still there).
Add a comma after about it.
Where my road meets the highway, there is a stop sign and a T-intersection, and beyond it is an old dirt lane that runs between two fields and off into a distant forest. It’s been there all my life, yet when I ask around about it, no one knows what I’m talking about.
Where my road meets the highway, there is a stop sign and a T-intersection, and beyond it is an old dirt lane that runs between two fields and off into a distant forest. It’s been there all my life, yet when I asked around about it, no one knew what I was talking about.
Add a comma after light. (The sentence is compound and requires a comma before the conjunction.)
Spell out the number: two, not 2.
You buy an old house and later discover a sealed water well on the property. Curious about the depth of the well, you have the plate removed. You shine a light, and at the bottom, two people scurry away.